"Bloodless"

[Forum Administration]

Yeah, so this is the story I started. The title is "Bloodless". It may or may not change...I'm not sure yet. So, here is the prolouge. Warning: the prolouge is slightly gruesome, but the rest of the story should lighten up a bit after it...for a while at least.
So, please post any comments, questions, concerns, harangs, or debates.

Bloodless
by songbreese-no sticky paws! Mine, not yours!

Prolouge:
A young woman walked briskly through the back ally, seemingly intent on some sort of task, probably something as simple as just trying to get home before night fell completely. The sun was almost gone, sinking beneath the grey clouds and distant horizon. But of course the woman could not see this through the high, brick and steel buildings rising several stories into the air around her. All she could see was a few thin shafts of red and gold light peeking in between the buildings.
The woman walked on, companionless.
But she was by no means alone. A dark shadow silently traced her path a few paces behind her. The woman did not notice.
Then, when all the light was gone, the shadow attacked. The dark, hooded figure grabbed the woman from behind. The person then drew a shining knife and cut into it’s victim’s skin, drawing blood. The woman screamed. The dark figure quickly slit her throat, and let her fall to the ground.
The woman twisted around and glimpsed her murderer’s face as she fell. Her eyes widened in shock and surprise, and then everything in her vision went black.
The hooded figure did not stop there. It stabbed her again and again, until the ground was slick with the woman’s blood.
When the figure was satisfied, it licked the woman’s blood off its hands, and silently walked away, slipping back into the shadows from which it had come from.

[Circe]

a very intriguing (sp?) beginning. slightly gruesome yes but it's good

[Forum Administration]

thanx ;D

[herm-own-ninny]

yes. slightly gruesome, but definitely makes me want to know more. Is that all you have written so far?

[pythonheart]

yeah i wanna read more

[songbreese]

Yeah, that's all I've acually written out so far. I have the next few chapters kinda written out in my mind(once I acually write stuff down in gets kinda set in stone in my mind), I'm just trying to figure out a few technicalities in the plot. Like my main character's personallity, I haven't been able to keep it very consistant...

[herm-own-ninny]

Well, can you write what you have of him/her so far. maybe I can help?

[songbreese]

Yeah, this is kinda the opening I'd like to have, but it needs editing. Also, I need a name, I suck at names-for now it's Lilith, cuz Lilith is pretty, but I don't think any proper mother would name their child Lilith, so I have to rethink that. Anyhoo:

Chapter 1:
A girl sat in her room, alone. Well, that's not quite true. Her companion was her headphones. They covered her ears and drenched her in music that was a little too loud and had the bass up a little too much. And she wasn't really a girl either, more that she was a young woman of about 16 years old.
The girl was engrossed in her music, paying attention to nothing around her in reality, not even the strands of long wavy brown hair tickling her face. Her eyes were closed in blissful concentration.
A soft knock on her door punctured the quiet of the room, but not the music that was drowning out the girl's thoughts. She obliviously keep bobbing her head in time to the music.
"Lilith," the imperious-sounding voice of a woman came through the door.
After a pause, the voice came again, a little louder. "Lilith. Are you awake? It's almost noon. You really shouldn't sleep this late, even on a Saturday." But the words fell on deaf ears. Or to be more precise, occupied ears.
This time the voice was a shout, and preceded by very loud knocking on the door. "Lilith!" This time the voice punctured the girl's peaceful oblivion, her eyes snapped open to reveal dull greenish-grey irises and she was jolted into life.
She slowly pulled off her headphones and spoke wearily. "What, Mom?"
"Like I've been trying to tell you. It's almost noon. You should really be getting out of bed."
The girl, Lilith, picked herself off the floor of her room and crossed to the door, which she opened. This gave her mother a view of, instead of the sleepy, pajama-clad girl she had been expecting, a fully awake, if slightly listless, young woman clad in slightly ripped up jeans, which regardless still fit her fine and a black tank top reading ‘Music is Life’.
"I've been out of bed, Mother,” she said. “For the past 3 hours I've been out of bed." She used the term 'mother' often when referring to or talking to her female parental figure. She used it not as a sign of respect, but as a sign that she didn’t empathize with her mother. She wasn’t sure how her mother interpreted it, and she didn’t really care.
“Well, you can’t lock yourself up in your room all day. What are you doing in there?” Her eyes betrayed her slight worry for her daughter’s nonexistent social life.
“I’m listening to music, Mother,” Lilith said in hard voice.
Her mother ignored her slightly insubordinate tone, she almost always did. “Why don’t you go out and do something. What about that girl you used to hang out with....Leanne? She used to be over here all the time.”
“Mom, I haven't hung out with her since 6th grade.”
“Well...she was a nice girl,” her mother said distractedly, quickly losing her upper hand in the conversation. “Look. Why don’t you go out today? It’s nice out. You could go downtown or something...and eat some breakfast.”
“Fine,” Lilith said, exasperated. “I’ll go downtown. See ya later.” She turned into her room to collect her mp3 player and headphones. She’s so annoying. she thought. The small voice in her head, her closest friend, but she wasn’t quite sure that was the correct term, responded She’s an idiot.
Lilith exited her room headed down the hall to the kitchen. She grabbed a s’mores poptart on her way out of the house and munched on it while walking down the sidewalk, once again drowning herself in her music.

[songbreese]

“Why don’t you go out and do something. What about that girl you used to hang out with....Leanne? She used to be over here all the time.”
“Mom, Leanne hasn’t been over here since 6th grade.”

btw, that was similar to an acual conversation I've had with my mother, cept different person.

[songbreese]

If anyone read yesterday, I added some discription to what I posted yesterday.

[Circe]

it's really good, i like it. nice word usage there too.

[songbreese]

Thank you. I'm very proud of my vocabulary. ;D

[Kayl]

That is really good. Way better than my story. The discription really goes a step above. *talking to self* note to self, but more discriptive when writing.

[songbreese]

Thanks.

Warning, this story is going past pg-13 after this. Stay away young children.

I've been working on the next part but I'm not sure what I want to do. Let's vote:
sex or drugs? (no ansering "both", that's to much to do to get the plot started)

[songbreese]

No one will help me... dang.

[herm-own-ninny]

eragonab said:

... *talking to self* note to self, but more discriptive when writing.

please

[herm-own-ninny]

hm.... I don't know. Drugs I guess.

[songbreese]

So, a month later, here's the first half of Chapter 2, I'm still finishing it up, but I got stuck. Actually, I'm still stuck, this next part is really hard to write, maybe I'm just not good enough...anyway:

Chapter 2:
After walking a few blocks, Lilith paused to think, lowering her headphones down around her neck to better hear her own thoughts.
Why are you always blaring that noise so loud? I can’t hear you think, the voice nagged. It liked to bitch to her a lot.
I know, it’s great, isn’t it? She thought cheerily back, starting to walk again, but without putting her headphones back on. I don’t have to deal with you.
You’re going to go deaf. The voice informed her without a shred of compassion.
“If my music’s too loud, you’re too old,” she chanted in response. Lilith couldn’t really remember where she had picked that phrase up, but she knew she had seen it somewhere. How old are you anyway? she asked in an off-hand manner.
As old as you want me to be, dearest. The voice was weird like that. It would be a cranky, overconfident snob one second, and then the next it would be almost sweet to her, calling her stupid pet names, in a very annoying, and still overconfident way. And it never answered personal questions.
It always pissed Lilith off greatly whenever the voice pulled out one of it’s little nicknames for her. Will you shut up!? she yelled silently in her mind. I was trying to think!
You know you just really wanted to talk to me. The voice said, goading her in an almost friendly teasing way. And the scary part was it actually seemed to believe itself.
Someone has a big ego. Lilith snapped, mentally shoving the voice aside and ignoring it’s further attempts to communicate with her. She turned her attention back to why she had taken off the headphones in the first place. What am I going to do? She thought to herself. There’s nothing to do, nowhere to go. By now she had reached the downtown area.
She ended up going to a small green patch, not big enough to be called a park, that was around the back allies of downtown. There was a few trees in the area, and a bench in the middle of it which she sat down on. Her headphones where now back on top of her head, and she continued listening to her music for a while.

[herm-own-ninny]

very nice. I love the conversation back and forth with her own mind. I do that too... alot...

yeah.

anyway, It's awesome!

[songbreese]

thank you ;D