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Post by musicfreak15 on Feb 17, 2007 20:58:31 GMT -5
FYI I made a couple of edits, mostly adding in quotation marks, and ocasionaly taking out an extra word
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Post by musicfreak15 on Feb 17, 2007 20:59:35 GMT -5
oh, and it's much better than before, I want more!
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Post by Kayl on Feb 17, 2007 23:39:48 GMT -5
Thanks for the edits, and don't worry, i'll write more.
thanks, i know, it sounds a lot better. Its starting to shape up. When i get all of my ideas down, then i'll really start discribing things. Actually, i'm gonna hand a questionare out at school so i can get better discriptions. It will ask eye color, basic stuff like that. It will also ask about tendancies, like clumsiness, naiveness, etc.
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Post by musicfreak15 on Feb 18, 2007 17:02:43 GMT -5
*giggle* clumsiness, naiveness, this could be interesting.......
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Post by twilight_angel on Feb 21, 2007 19:55:24 GMT -5
austin....................way cool.
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Post by Kayl on Feb 25, 2007 0:08:35 GMT -5
ok, here's a a little description of the next chapter.
It's Tuesday night, the same night the latest attack occured. Tomarrow is a normal early release, and Kayl calls around for people to go downtown.
The next day, Tanara, Aithne, Syke, and Kayl all go out to eat and walk around downtown. And then... Well, you'll find out, but I can say that the plot will beging to pick up.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 4, 2007 2:19:43 GMT -5
Here's the new chapter. Its really early in the morning. Like, 1:17 early. Anyway, Christina and Steph were at Christina's house, and I decided to work on my story while they talked to me. Here we are, Chapter Two. P.S. Sorry for the huge wall of text.
Chapter 2 Kayl got off the bus and began to walk down the road toward his house. The only sounds he heard was the music coming from his mp3 player. He turned and trudged up the snow covered driveway. When he got to the stoop in front of the door, he put his had in his coat pocket and searched for his key. Crap, I left the key in the house, didn’t I? thought Kayl. He went around the gray house to the back, looking at the barren woods in the back of his house. The trees were snow-covered with new snow from the previous night. He grabbed his spare key and carefully stepped in his footprints, trying to avoid from getting any more snow in his shoes. He was unsuccessful. He unlocked the door, and turned around and went back to put the key away. When he finally got inside, he stepped down from the landing to the basement, being careful not to get too much snow on the carpet. He took off his shoes by the dryer and walked back upstairs. He changed his socks and turned on the t.v. He flipped through twenty channels; he decided nothing good was on and turned the computer on. He logged online and checked if anyone was on his IM service. No one was on. He checked his e-mail. There was a letter from Tanara. It read: “Hey Kayl, what’s up? Call around to see if anyone can go downtown tomorrow since it’s a normal early release. We get out around 12:30, so we could hang out. Call me on my cell. Later.” He responded telling her that he would call up everyone after he asked his mom. He surfed the internet, going to all his favorite websites. At around four o’clock, he started his homework. When he finished, it was about five twenty. He turned on the t.v. again and turned on the news, sitting in his favorite reclining chair, just as his mom and sister pulled into the garage. “Hey Kayl, how was your day,” called his nine-year-old sister, Rose, from down on the landing. She had short brown and a pudgy face. “It was ok. Hey mom, how was work.” he replied. “The bank was really busy, and someone was out sick today, so it got pretty hectic.” She walked up the stairs and walked into the open kitchen, her high heals clicking on the tile. She asked, “How was school?” Kayl proceeded to tell his mom about his day, but left out the parts about the murders. He didn’t know if she knew anything about Alena’s cousin. “Anyway, can I hang out with my friends downtown tomorrow, since its an early release? We get out at twelve. I’ll call everybody and ask. “I guess, do you have any money?” she replied. “I’ll go check.” Kayl said as he ran up the steps to his room. He called down, “I have five dollars.” He then walked down with the money in hand. “Here’s another ten, you can buy something to eat or whatever.” “Thanks,” he said gratefully. “Anyway, I’m gonna call around. After about twenty minutes, he called a bunch of his friends. In all, he could only get Tanara, Syke, and Aithne to go. Everyone else was busy, or had no way home. Kayl spent the rest of the night chatting with his mom and Rose, and playing video games in the basement. The day went by like any other. When the final bell rung, everyone who was going met at Kayl’s locker. They headed down the stairs and out the door. They walked west along the sidewalk from the school driveway to the street. They moved along, talking happily about books, games and the like. It was warm for a February day, above freezing, which was nice. The snow was starting to melt and the roads were wet with meltwater. They crossed an intersection to the other side of the road. There was a church on that side, and a gas station on the other. They continued to walk, and turned north onto a bike trail. It used to be a rail road, but since they were never used, the county decided to take the track off, and fill it with gravel. As they walked, they came upon an old, run down building. “I wonder what that’s for?” asked Aithne. “I don’t know, it’s like that one building in,” started Syke. “Hold on, are you going on one of your anime rants?” asked Tanara. “Yes,” retorted Syke. “Okay then, so does anyone else wanna go over there and explore the building?” she asked. “No, not really, we would probably get in trouble. Look at the sign ten feet from you.” Kayl pointed. “Um, I don’t care. Its not like anyone is watching the building.” she urged. “Yeah, I really feel like getting in trouble with the police,” laughed Aithne sarcastically. “So do I, really, I do,” agreed Kayl. “Fine, you guys are such losers.” Tanara grumbled. They walked down the bike trail and finally came to a road. They followed it and came to the museum. It was the symbol of the city, being the tallest building there. It was a large tower with red roofing. They walked along the road and came to the library. It looked out of place amongst the rest of the buildings. It was newly built compared to the other buildings. It was light brown, with red roofing like the museum, but it had large tainted windows. They went inside. They checked out a few books and left. They went out to lunch at an Italian restaurant and ordered pizza. They walked down the street from the restaurant and came to the old movie theater. As they walked by, Kayl noticed something. “Hey, since when has the old theater been closed?” “Since the new one bought it out a little while ago.” answered Syke. “Really?” I didn’t know that,” he said, surprised. Aithne laughed as Tanara teased “You’re an idiot.” “Shut up,” he said as he rolled his eyes. They walked down an alley behind a café and went down the steps. There was a parking lot, and across it, was the Rayround River. They walked across and stood on a deck overlooking the river. It was a dirty brown color and some trash was along the edges. There were small patches of ice going across the river, but they were very thin looking. “Do you think Alena will be okay?” Aithne asked as she stared into the dark river sadly. “Do you think she will change?” “Why would she change. I mean, I know what she’s going through, one of my grandmas died, and I had a friend die of cancer, but I’m still the same me.” inquired Kayl. “Yeah, but when Alena gets sad, she won’t forget for a long while. It’ll stay with her for a while.” sighed Aithne. “I guess I know what you mean. It’s really hard to get over something like that.” he replied as he too looked into the water. “Hello, getting off this sad conversation, I would like to say that it seems as a storm is rolling in and we should get home as soon as possible.” Syke interrupted. A low rumble of thunder rolled in as they began to walk across the parking lot toward the street. “Weird, why’s it thundering? And has anyone else noticed that its gotten a bit warmer?” asked a startled Tanara. “This doesn’t seem right.” “I was beginning to wonder the same thing,” agreed Aithne. The clouds blew in over head. More thunder rumbled in the distance. “Hey, do you feel that. This isn’t snow, it’s rain. Really warm rain. Its barley coming down, its like a mist.” “Wow, it is.” Kayl answered, taken aback. They began to run, as not to get caught in the rain. They ran from downtown and after about fifteen minutes, they reached the bike trail. They were just at the old building when there was a bright flash and a bolt of lightning struck right next to the trail, in a clump of trees. The four fell over from some sort of impact. A fire started, starting with one tree, but soon it spread to many of them. Soon the four were completely surrounded by fire, except for forward and back. A gust of wind picked up, and the fire spread even more quickly. Kayl got up and looked around quickly. The other three got up after he did. Another shock wave knocked them down. A large dark red spot appeared in the flames. It expanded. “What the hell is that smell?” yelled Tanara over the roar of the flames. “I don’t know,” screamed Aithne. Its disgusting, like rotting eggs, but worse.” “What’s that spot?” asked Syke, the first to notice it. One last shockwave rocked the ground. *** “Hello, children.” greeted a soft, cold voice. “What are you doing here?” The flames parted, and a man emerged from the roaring flames. He was tall and dark. His hair was black and matted. He was clean-shaven and had a rugged face. He wore a blood red cloak. “Where the hell did you come from?” cried Kayl. “From hell itself.” He laughed, his yellow teeth flashing. “What the frick is that supposed to mean?” bellowed Tanara. “I’d love to tell you, but it would be pointless. It won’t matter if you know, for you will be dead before you know it. Is this guy one of those murderers that were on t.v.? Oh man, we are so screwed. What can we do? Kayl though. “Yes, what are you going to do, children,” inquired the man. “I’ll tell you. You will do nothing. You have no chance of escape. You will die.” “Why are you doing this?” Syke yelled. “I already told you, it doesn’t matter. You will all be dead, so what is the point in telling you?” the man replied. “Let us go! What did we ever do to you?” cried Aithne drastically. “Nothing, but watching someone die, be ripped apart always gives me pleasure. Especially young people like yourselves.” he explained. The flames were closing in, and all of the snow around them had melted. The horrible smell got worse and the red spot in the flames got bigger. “It seems that my friend is ready to come, would you like to meet him?” “Meet who?” asked Kayl, taking a step back. “Why, this creature here.” he answered. From the red spot emerged a creature who had the posture of a human, but was far from it. It was blood red, its skin was rotting and caked with dry blood. It had no eyes where his sockets were and no facial features to speak of. It had three arms. In two of its arms were a spear and shield, while in the other was held what seemed to be a human head. The red spot behind the creature shrunk. “Now, this is my friend. He will be the one who shows me my pleasure. You will feel great pain, but it will all be over quickly. Now, my friend, attack!” With that, the creature jumped forward. There was another flash and Kayl blacked out. The last things he heard were the roar of the flames and another man yelling “Get them outta here, now!
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Post by musicfreak15 on Mar 4, 2007 2:59:18 GMT -5
k, this is steph talking, i'm at christina's house and yeah...won't go into the details or anything....
k, it's really good. but some parts are confusing and don't exactly flow if u know what i mean. like at the beginning it doesn't really say where the key comes from cuz u left it in the house and near the end syke says "what's that spot" and then u call it a portal. they're technically not supposed to know what it is if they're asking about it. same with the demon. u say "it must be one of those demons" unless i'm just not remembering correctly there was nothing about demons in the first chapter or the second. instead of saying "it must be one of those demons" u could say "i wonder if that's a demon" or something where it doesn't sound like u know that it's a demon, or like u've heard of it before. k, that's really all i can think of at the moment. and sorry if it's too critical or just plain stupid, lol
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Post by Kayl on Mar 4, 2007 18:36:37 GMT -5
i changed the end of the second chapter. I'll mark the start of the new paragraph like this: ***
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Post by Display name on Mar 4, 2007 20:35:36 GMT -5
wow the ending of that chapter sounds like the ending of every chapter of eragon.... *giggles* that some guy saves them. Also this reminds me of supernatural that they have to beat this demon and its really cool. So call sam and dean.... * goes on a supernatural rant*
Anyways, that was very very good, my suggestion is but more detail like what is that spot.... also in the first chapter and other times describe the people more... ( alhtough we know what ehy look like the readers dont) also mayber but in thier personality like Blank is a blond with blue eyes that is very happy and always full with joy..... so later we see that in the character....
YAY for foreshadowiing and cliff hangers
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Post by musicfreak15 on Mar 4, 2007 20:58:36 GMT -5
I like the edits way better, it still needs a little something but I'm not sure what. keep it up!!
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Post by Kayl on Mar 4, 2007 21:49:29 GMT -5
Anyway, i have written another chapter. Its only a page and a half, but it furthurs the plot a bit. Chapter four will also be very short. Chapter five should be pretty long...
Chapter 3 Kayl woke with a start. He jumped up and looked around. He was in his room, safe and sound. He was dressed in his pajamas. He wiped the cold sweat from his brow and looked at the clock. It read 12:00 midnight. Thank god, it was only a dream, he thought. So what did happen after it started to rain. I got home, did my homework. I had pizza for dinner, and I played some video games. That’s about it... right? But what parts were the dream. I definitely had that conversation with Aithne, but that was in my dream, too. I’ll ask her tomorrow before school. He stumbled as he walked to the bathroom and went back to bed. He tossed and turned for awhile, but soon fell into a restless sleep. The next morning he arrived at school late. The minute bell rang as he slammed his locker shut and ran to his classroom. The final bell rung as he jumped into his English room. He sat down and greeted a few of his friends who sat next to him. “What took you so long?” asked a girl sitting in front of him. “I didn’t sleep well last night, and my mom had a hell of a time waking me up.” he explained. “I had a really bad dream. There was a fire down by the bike trail.” “Are you sure that was a dream?” she inquired. “What do you mean?” he asked. “Well, I was watching the news this morning, and it reported a fire right along the bike trail right in front of that old closed down building.” she answered. “That’s right where the fire happened in my dream!” he replied. Just then, the teacher walked in the room. She explained why she was late and started class. At lunch, Kayl told about his dream. “And then I blacked out. The last thing I heard was “Get them outta’ here, now!” he told her. “I had that exact same dream last night.” she cried. “What do you mean.” he asked, startled. “I mean I had the exact same dream. I woke up at midnight, and I was in a sweat. That’s exactly the same dream I had! It was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. And the most realistic,” she explained. “Is that even possible? This can’t be a coincidence can it?” “No, I don’t think it can...” “Does that mean it was real?” Kayl asked. “How am I supposed to know,” retorted Tanara. Terra was sitting next to Tanara, listening quietly the whole time. “No, it can’t be,” Terra stated. “What can’t be?” asked Tanara. “Aithne had the same dream last night, she told me about it.” she explained. “What!” cried Kayl. “That can’t be.” “Well, it is. That’s what Aithne told me. “This doesn’t even make a **** bit of sense anymore.” complained Tanara. “Was it real? If it was, how did we survive?” “I don’t know,” Kayl tried to answer. The mid-bell rang, and Kayl got up to go use the bathroom.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 4, 2007 21:50:24 GMT -5
oh, and any grammatical/punctuational error, admins can fix... pls don't mess with it though.
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Post by Able on Mar 4, 2007 22:24:03 GMT -5
it's good. . . . too good I may have to kill you and then magically steal your skillz. . . .JK!!!! I like it a lot and I still cn't belive that you thought that my eyes were hazel. . .anyway Yay for kick aa. . um I mean. . .kick "butt" ninjas
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gypseylizz
This person is really new here.
LOL.
Posts: 11
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Post by gypseylizz on Mar 5, 2007 15:35:35 GMT -5
luv it so far i can't wait 4 the rest! lol
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Post by twilight_angel on Mar 5, 2007 19:17:08 GMT -5
kay, so i don't have a lot of time i printed it off and am going to read it tomorrow. but i spell checked it and it had ....*counting, sigh gives up* enough errors in it....any way it sounded good in the few parts that needed corrections.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 5, 2007 21:30:05 GMT -5
I finished Chapter Four. It is even shorter than the last one. It really only is used to describe what's going to happen. And it adds a little insight into the bad guys... sort of. Anyway, its only a page long, but i promise the next one will be longer.
Chapter Four A small shockwave shook the parking lot outside the school, too small for anyone to really notice. With a flash of light, a red spot appeared. It quickly expanded to reveal a swirling vortex. Out stepped a man in a hooded red cloak. He was tall and slim Two other people came followed, a man and a woman; All of their faces were shrouded behind their hoods. The first man asked the woman, “Did you bring the tools needed for the summoning?” He had a soft, cold voice. He seemed to be the leader. “What, would you think me a fool? Oh course I brought them.” she replied snidely. He voice was high and brisk. She was very slender and brittle-looking. She did a back flip into the swirling portal and came back out carrying a bag. “See, they are right here.” The swirling spot shrunk and disappeared behind her. “Excellent. Now, have you located the ones mentioned by our leader?” The first man asked the second. The second man nodded his reply. He was a burly man. His arms and legs were thick, and he had broad shoulders. “Remember, our leader wants them alive. Now we may begin. You know what to do,” stated as the mid-bell rung. The others both nodded and sat down. The first man sat down as well. He drew a circle, with a triangle in the center, connecting with the circle, pointing where the three sat. The three people began a chant in an unknown language and the new circle began to glow. Another red vortex appeared in the center of the newly drawn circle. The longer the chanting went on, the brighter the circle got, and the larger the red swirling vortex got. Soon it was the size of a door. It continued to grow. The final bell for lunch rang and the portal grew to its full extent. “It is time,” the leader said solemnly.
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Post by musicfreak15 on Mar 5, 2007 21:41:34 GMT -5
MORE!!!!!!!!
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Post by Kayl on Mar 5, 2007 22:16:25 GMT -5
Okay, I lied, Chapter five isn't very long. I have decided to make chapters shorter, but that is not a bad thing. I am switchig perspectives from Kayl's to someone else's. You'll find out whose later. Anyway, here's chapter five, its about two pages long.
Chapter Five Kayl walked out of the bathroom and turned the corner. He moved out into an open area between the main gym and the front doors. He yawned and stretched as he looked out the front door. To his amazement, he saw a red spot outside in the middle of the parking lot. The same one from his dream! Oh crap! He thought. So it was real? At that moment he saw something emerge from the vortex. It was what looked to be the same creature that had attacked him the day before. I have to go tell everybody. He looked to the left of the spot and noticed something else. There were twenty other creatures out of the vortex already. They all looked the same from what Kayl could tell. A larger being crawled out from the vortex next. It was red like the others, but stood on four legs. Kayl couldn’t make it out very well, but it was at least as large as a bear from what he could tell. It was looking down. Two people stood up. They were both wearing red cloaks, their heads covered in hoods. The large creature looked up, then looked directly at Kayl. Oh shit, they’ve noticed me. He screamed in his mind. The creature began to run towards the front doors of the school, bashing over any cars as it went. Kayl turned around and ran back toward the cafeteria. He knew it wouldn’t help, but he was acting on instinct now. There was a huge blast and the large creature ran into the school. It opened its maw and let out a defining roar. Kayl covered stopped and covered his ears. He saw students in the cafeteria do the same through the windows from the hallway. The creature ran at him, breaking a bubbler as it ran by. It stopped and sniffed around. Kayl got a good look at the creature now. It had a mouth and a nose, but no eyes where its sockets were. Its huge teeth were showing, and it was sniffing madly for something. Kayl faced the creature and began to slowly walk backwards. He tripped. The monster cocked its head up and pointed in the direction of Kayl. It jumped at him and roared, teeth bared, going in for the kill. Kayl was paralyzed with fear as it came flying at him. There needs to be something to protect me, anything. He closed his eyes. He heard a dull ‘thud’ and then another one. He opened his eyes to see a crystal wall between him and the creature. There was a small trail of ice from where the bubbler was. It slowly expanded, forming a wall between the monster in him. What the hell just happened? He got up and looked around. He was still too far from the corner for anyone in the cafeteria to see him. The creature got up on the other side of the ice wall. It sniffed around and seemed to seem what it was searching for. It began to ram its head into the ice wall. Kayl still had no idea what the was going on. He looked around and noticed that students were starting to look around. The teachers had no idea what to do. Suddenly, there was a loud crashing noise and a snarl. Kayl turned his attention back on the creature. It shattered the ice wall and was charging at him. Kayl rolled to the side as it ran past, right over his leg. It stopped and skidded, turning around. Kayl looked around frantically for something that he could do. The monster came charging back at him. He tried to get up, but his leg was cut. Oh shit, I’m dead. His mind raced for something he could do. He closed his eyes. I need something, anything to defend myself with. He heard a scream of pain. His eyes shot open as he saw the monster writhing on the floor. There were spikes made of ice sticking out of the creature in various places. What the... Did I do that? The creature began to get up. It shook itself off, many of the ice spikes falling out. Ignoring the pain in his leg, he got up. Now what? The creature roared again. The monster came charging in again. Just as kayl was dodging out of the way, it changed coarse and turned a bit where Kayl was jumping to. Kayl couldn’t react fast enough; he put his hand out in front of him and closed his eyes, as if that would help. To his surprise, it did. Kayl was able to block the creatures attack. He opened his eyes to see what happened. He looked at his hands. There was a sword in his hand. The monster's teeth were gripping the blade as Kayl gripped the hilt. It was a silver with a blueish tint. The hilt was a very dark blue. The cross guard split at the ends, curving both up and down. It was fat and had a layered of pattern. The pommel was thin and sharp. It wasn't too long, definitely not long enough to be a long sword. It weighed perfectly in Kayl's hand; perfect balance and he could barely feel that it was there. It was like an extension of his arm. Where did this come from? The monster tried to rip the sword from Kayl's hand. It did so. Kayl was thrown backward and landed on his side. The sword disappeared out of the monster's jaws and came back to Kayl's hand. He looked at the blade. It came back to me! This is so weird. I have no idea how to fight. Kayl dodged the charge. I guess I'll have to learn. The monster came in for another run. Kayl jumped up. He was above the creature now. I've never been able to do this before. How can I jump so high? Oh well, I guess it helps. He slashed down as the monster ran past. It cried out in pain again. This time, Kayl charged at the monster. He held his sword at his side with one hand, running down the hall. The monster charged at him again. "Aaaarh!" Kayl yelled as he stabbed at the monster's head. It fell over, completely stiff. Kayl pulled his sword. This is so weird, what the hell did I just do. Wow, there's no blood on it. In fact, no blood came forth. The corpse began to steam and the bubbled. The flesh turned to a liquid and evaporated.
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Post by Display name on Mar 5, 2007 22:42:51 GMT -5
WOW THAT WAS GOOD yay if you post them in smaller parts then when we say we want more you will have more Also my suggestion is that when kayl used the ice......he did that way to fast, you should proably have the monster attack and he starts painicing and then uses it, because that was a little rushed......... but it was great and there was a great picture in my mind of what was happening Also let me guess that the other person will be someone like Roxas( speaking of which, that was cool how roxas got his name)
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Post by musicfreak15 on Mar 6, 2007 6:28:54 GMT -5
I agree with Erik on the ice, otherwise it's AWSOME!!!!! There were one or two typos, I'll highlight one that I noticed in red. keep it up!
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Post by musicfreak15 on Mar 6, 2007 6:30:25 GMT -5
or not 'cus my computer SUCKS!!!!
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Post by Kayl on Mar 6, 2007 18:13:18 GMT -5
i wrote an alternative to chapter five. I don't know what one to bring in. I'll bring a copy of each, and i wanna ask what people think.
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Post by songbreese on Mar 6, 2007 20:28:19 GMT -5
Chapter 2 comments: Your main characters are human. They should be having more emotional reactions. Like here:
He just went through all this trouble to keep snow off his shoes, he should have some sort of reaction to getting snow on his shoes-he says a mild swear word, he sighs in frustration, "Kayl walked into the house muttering something murderous-sounding about the 'stupid snow'." Also, now that I look at a small section of your writing, mix up your sentences. They all go "He *verb* blah, blah, blah..."
And 3rd, you often get lost, even if for a short time, on one character or a conversation between 2 characters, are the other characters all just standing around with blank looks?
Chapter 4 comments: evil is conspiring...ooo...O.o
Chapter 5 comments: weren't our heroes just stuck in a circle of fire?
also, can we get a better description of the monster. Is it humanoid? Is it canine? Does it have 6 arms sticking out of its spine? No one knows.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 7, 2007 16:40:13 GMT -5
i posted the new chapter five. Its much better than the first time i wrote it.
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Post by twilight_angel on Mar 7, 2007 16:44:14 GMT -5
by the way this makes your story 10 pages long.
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Post by twilight_angel on Mar 9, 2007 17:50:20 GMT -5
Ummmmmmmm.... just so you know you really need to work on desriptions.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 10, 2007 0:50:35 GMT -5
Hey, I finished Chapter Six. Anyway, here it is. I'm gonna go to bed now.
Chapter Six Not even her favorite class, German, could bring Alena’s mind off her cousin’s death. She was cremated since the body was so mangled. She sighed. Today, the class was playing a game. It was like battleship, but she had to conjugate verbs to hit her opponent’s ship. She yawned. “Tired?” questioned Aiyana. “Yeah, more than you know.” Alena replied tiredly. In fact, she got less than three hours of sleep last night. She didn’t get home from the funeral until one in the morning. She didn’t fall asleep until two, and she had to get up at five. Why did you have to die? asked Alena. Tears welled up in her green eyes. “Don’t cry,” Aiyana said as her countenance flashed with concern. “I can’t help it. My favorite cousin died. How do you think I feel. All of those memories from when we were little are meaningless now. I could have been there with her.” “What, no you couldn’t! It wouldn’t have helped.” she replied concernedly. “Yes, I could. She invited me that night to go out with her to dinner with her family. I couldn’t go ‘cause I was sick. You have no idea how close I was to being there that night. I might not have been here today. If only I was there, maybe I could have done something!” she cried. No, I couldn’t have. I would have died with her there. Alena broke down there. The teacher came over to try and comfort her. There wasn’t much she could do. “Would you like to go step out into the hall?” asked the German teacher. “Y..yes,” Alena stuttered. You need to get over this. She’s gone now, there’s nothing you can do now. She’s in a better place, Alena tried to tell herself. She sobbed for awhile and went back into the classroom when the mid-bell. She took her seat next to Aiyana. Aiyana opened her mouth to say something, but Alena shook her head. “You sure you’re okay?” asked the teacher. “I’m fine,” mumbled Alena. The bell sounding the end of the passing period rung just as the teacher talked about some German culture. Right as she was getting into how Germany formed, explosive noise shook the classroom. Many of the kids in the class screamed. Some tiles fell from the ceiling. Some kids jumped under their desks. Another two explosions sounded, one right after the other. More tiles fell. The teacher tried to call the class. It didn’t help much that the kids in the room could hear screaming from downstairs. “Everyone, remain calm. Under your desks, all of you!” the teacher ordered. She mumbled a swear in German as she locked the door. Alena looked at Aiyana with a fearful expression. There was a loud ‘boom’ right outside the classroom. Suddenly, part of the floor gave way. A few kids fell through, landing in the hallway below. Hovering above the hole was a woman dressed in a red cloak, a hood hiding her face. She was holding a black staff. “You’re coming with me!” she yelled briskly at Aithne and Alena. “Us? What do you want?” asked Aithne fearfully. “Why should I tell you? My orders were bring you back with me.” “Orders from who?” cried Alena. “My leader. Now, are you gonna come quietly, or am I gonna have to do this the hard way?” “Leader? Are you the one who caused the explosions?” Alena questioned. “Me and about five hundred demons. Are you going to come? Or do I have to play with you like I did your cousin, Alena? “You’re the one that did that?” Alena screamed, shaking with rage. “Yes, and she lasted much longer than I thought she would,” laughed the woman in the hood. Alena was shaking with rage now. This is the woman is the one who killed my cousin? Aithne looked worriedly at Alena. At that moment, Alena lunged at the woman hovering above the hole in the floor. They fell to the floor, landing on some desks that the kids who fell left behind. Aithne looked down from the hole in the ceiling to the hall below. A wave of energy surged out of her body and Alena flew backwards, into the wall. She slumped to the ground. The woman pulled her hand back, a shining ball formed in her hand. She threw it at Alena. Alena put one hand up to try to protect herself as she closed her eyes. There was a pressure on her arm, then it lessened. She opened her eyes. On her arm was a round shield. It was made of what seemed to be glass. In the center of the shield, a strange gold mark could be seen. In her other hand was a wand, about ten inches long. It was made of a white wood, but seemed to glow slightly. What the... Where did these come from? “So you found you weapon, did you?” demanded the woman. “My... Weapon? What the hell is going on?” she yelled. “You’ll just have to beat that answer from me.” giggled the woman. “Now, where was I? Oh yes, you cousin, she died...” she started. “Shut the frick up!” ordered Alena. “Oh, temper, temper. You don’t want to fight someone stronger than you, do you?” “Fight?” “Well, I’m not gonna let you go. You’re coming with me, if I have to force you to or not.” “No way are you taking me anywhere,” spat Alena. “I’m going to kill you for what you did to my cousin!” “Fine, come on then.” The woman assumed a battle position. Ok, so I have a wand and a shield... What do I do with a wand... I can’t attack her. “Are you going to fight me, or not?” demanded the woman. “No? Man, this will be way to easy.” The woman dashed forward, hand outstretched with her staff held in it. She swung her staff at Alena, who raised her shield to block. Without thinking, she lashed her wand out at the woman. A beam of light flashed from her wand. The woman narrowly dodging the beam. Ok, so, my wand shoots beams. Well, at least I know what I can do now. She started lashing out at the woman, beams flying from her wand. After a few minutes, the woman jumped back under the hole. “Fine, I guess I’ll have to do this quickly.” the woman sighed.
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Post by Hombre Palido on Mar 10, 2007 7:58:39 GMT -5
*Listens to "Reila" by GazettE* I don't feel like commenting..but okay... sounds okay.... the last bit here...battle stuff...sounds a little....iffy.....to much thinking and talking not enough ACTION! I want to see people getting killed here! just kiddin....
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Post by pythonheart on Mar 10, 2007 13:42:07 GMT -5
theres too many aspects of the story that are the same as our life; some are good, not this many though
its kind of odd, though. im not close to any of my cousins. not that that needs to be changed, ofcourse
in the 2nd chapter, theres a big chunk in the beginning thats all, "he did this mundane activity. he did that boring thing. he did whatever." try taking just a few things out, and putting those choppy sentences together. and thesaurus.com will be a very helpful friend *hugs thesaurus.com*
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