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Post by pythonheart on Mar 10, 2007 14:00:48 GMT -5
tainted? wrong word. you mean tinted, right? unless i overlooked any poison or something in those windows. i like the whole evil guy(ive only read ch2 so far) but it seems to go too fast and be laid out too easily. like, "hi, im evil, im from hell, im going to kill you. come, demon!"
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Post by pythonheart on Mar 10, 2007 14:05:54 GMT -5
“What took you so long?” asked a girl sitting in front of him. “I didn’t sleep well last night, and my mom had a hell of a time waking me up.” he explained. “I had a really bad dream. There was a fire down by the bike trail.” “Are you sure that was a dream?” she inquired. “What do you mean?” he asked. “Well, I was watching the news this morning, and it reported a fire right along the bike trail right in front of that old closed down building.” she answered. “That’s right where the fire happened in my dream!” he replied. Just then, the teacher walked in the room. She explained why she was late and started class. At lunch, Kayl told about his dream. “And then I blacked out. The last thing I heard was “Get them outta’ here, now!” he told her. “I had that exact same dream last night.” she cried. “What do you mean.” he asked, startled. “I mean I had the exact same dream. I woke up at midnight, and I was in a sweat. That’s exactly the same dream I had! It was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. And the most realistic,” she explained. “Is that even possible? This can’t be a coincidence can it?” “No, I don’t think it can...” “Does that mean it was real?” Kayl asked. “How am I supposed to know,” retorted Tanara. that part was confusing. that whole conversation was between two people, right? it started "a girl sitting in front of him" and ended up tanara.
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Post by Kayl on Mar 10, 2007 21:46:24 GMT -5
thanks for the comments.
Don't worry Brit, I'm rewriting the first and second chapters in a little bit, don't worry. also, read the 9th line in that quote from my story that you posted
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Post by Display name on Mar 10, 2007 21:49:34 GMT -5
yeah and in the 6th chapter you can "you" instead of "your"
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Post by Kayl on Mar 11, 2007 1:01:03 GMT -5
Hey, here's Chapter Seven. Its 12:00 am. Or is it 1:00? It daylights savings, so at what time does that take effect at anyway? Oh well, here we are.
Chapter Seven Aiyana looked down at the scene below with the rest of the class around her. The woman shot a ball of energy at Alena, who blocked it with a shield. Aiyana had no idea where she got that shield and wand from, but it didn’t matter. Alena wasn’t killed, so it didn’t matter. The woman charged at Alena, who blocked and swiped at her with her wand. A beam shot at the woman, who dodged. Alena went on the offensive, beams of light flashing everywhere. An explosion from behind caught Aiyana’s attention. She looked out the window of the door and saw a monster running an all fours charging down the hall at a police officer. He shot, but the bullets didn’t have much effect on the monster. It charged ahead and grabbed the officer in its jaws. The officer screamed as he was de-limbed. From the door, Aiyana heard the woman shout, “I guess I’ll have to do this the easy way.” There was a flash of light, an explosion, and a scream. Aiyana skidded over to the hole, where she saw the woman holding Alena up by her neck, her staff poised to strike though it. Fear paralyzed Aiyana. I have to save her! Without thinking, Aiyana jumped down the hole in the floor, an arm above her head. There was a flash of light and a staff appeared in her hand. Without realizing there was a weapon in her hand, she swung her arm at the cloaked woman. She hit the woman in the hood, he cried in pain. She dropped Alena, who fell to the floor. Aiyana picked her unconscious friend up and dragged her to the side of the hall. “No one hurts my friends,” spat Aiyana. “Ha, I knew that was too easy,” smirked the woman. I have to fight this woman? What is going on? What was the creature that killed that officer? The woman shot a ball of light at Aiyana, who jumped over it. While in the air, she stabbed at the cloaked woman. She jumped back, but Aiyana’s staff extend, hitting the woman in the chest. Woah, it extends. The staff came together again, and Aiyana got into a defensive position; one hand on the bottom and one near the middle, the staff pointing toward the woman. The woman shot a few more balls of energy at Aiyana, who dodged. One ball was shot directly where Aiyana jumped to. She tried to raise her staff in time, but was blasted down the hall. She landed and rolled, quickly jumping to her feet. She ran toward the woman, who flipped over Aiyana, jabbing at her with her staff. It hit Aiyana square in the back and fell forward, the wind knock out of her. “You are too inexperienced, you can’t beat me alone.” laughed the woman. “Then she’s lucky she won’t have too,” yelled a voice. Alena got up, staggering as she did so. “Ha, you think you two can beat me?” antagonized the woman. Aiyana got up coughing. The two friends stood next to each other. Alena shot a beam from her wand. The woman jumped, but Aiyana jabbed at her with her staff. The staff extended, hitting the woman in the forehead. The woman landed on her back, but her opponents didn’t let up. Alena shot another beam of light, sending the woman flying. The woman recovered quickly and shot at the two. They dodged, but the ball hit a potted plant. Before the pair landed, the woman was swinging at Aiyana. She swung, blocking the strike. The two opponents were locked in a struggle. Alena shot a beam at the woman, who jumped up and over Aiyana, hitting her in the back. She jumped over toward Alena, shooting a ball at her. Alena blocked, but the force blasted her into the wall. Aiyana tried to get up to help her friend. She jabbed with her staff, but it wouldn’t reach. Suddenly, a green vine shot forward, striking the woman. Where did that come from? Thought Aiyana. She looked down the vine. It followed to where the potted plant that the woman was. What the... What the frick just happened? The vine wrapped around the clocked woman’s legs, who fell over. “Get this thing off of me!” ordered the woman vehemently. Alena staggered up and pointed her wand at the woman on the floor. “You’re going to pay for what you did to my cousin,” screamed Alena. “You’ll have to wait for that,” the woman sighed. “I can’t believe I was defeated by a bunch of stupid, untrained kids,” she mumbled. A red vortex appeared under her. She fell through, and when the vortex disappeared, the woman was gone and the vines connecting her to the plant were severed. “Damn, she got away. She’ll pay for what she did to cousin!” roared Alena. “Settle down,” said Aiyana. “Look out, something’s coming!” Aiyana pushed Alena out of the way and jumped as a large wolf like monster came tearing down the hall. “Looks like we aren’t done fighting yet.” “Yeah,” agreed Alena.
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Post by Hombre Palido on Mar 11, 2007 17:24:42 GMT -5
Hopefully you are taking me out because; one: You don't know me very well apparently, like f^(k I shrug off death like that... two: I MAY seem obsessed, but I have my limits....I'm not as dark and foreboding as you think I am.... three: Suddenly I and more then half of the characters dissapear.....then suddenly you are the main focus of the story, not that, that's a problem, but it kinda shows that you are a little...self indulgent....
EDIT I take that back about number three.....your battle parts have no taste...kinda bland...
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Post by songbreese on Mar 11, 2007 18:27:25 GMT -5
In chapter six, you talk about Aithne being there with Alena, and then you kinda forget about her while you concentrate on Alena and Aiyana. What happened to her, is she just standing there watching with a blank stare? Is she running for help?
Second, why do you have so many names starting with 'a'?
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Post by Hombre Palido on Mar 11, 2007 19:03:17 GMT -5
In chapter six, you talk about Aithne being there with Alena, and then you kinda forget about her while you concentrate on Alena and Aiyana. What happened to her, is she just standing there watching with a blank stare? Is she running for help? Second, why do you have so many names starting with 'a'? Exactly! Did you get to lazy with the baby names web site?
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Post by twilight_angel on Mar 19, 2007 15:21:32 GMT -5
by the way if you want this to be realistic i'm in brittany's class not joanna, but still it's interesting....you need to develope your characters more, but other than the spelling and grammar errors....I'm done talking about this for now.
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gypseylizz
This person is really new here.
LOL.
Posts: 11
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Post by gypseylizz on Apr 10, 2007 9:51:58 GMT -5
its been awhile since i've been on this website so i had a lot of catching up to do but i think its really good in the last 2 chapters everything was described well i could really see what was going on i can't wait for the rest of it i seriously want to know whats up with these demon things! lol
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Post by twilight_angel on Apr 10, 2007 10:10:06 GMT -5
Sorry but he hasn't been writing much...
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gypseylizz
This person is really new here.
LOL.
Posts: 11
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Post by gypseylizz on May 1, 2007 11:02:42 GMT -5
yeah... so i've noticed lol Am I the only one who's been checking the "random and innapropriate" boards??? lol
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The Capitán
Newbie
"Tell my son the time that his father died. Tell him..."
Posts: 233
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Post by The Capitán on May 2, 2007 18:10:23 GMT -5
It's okay, but a little dialog heavy, though I suppose it's hard to write a story where everyone has an equal part when there is 16 characters. I would say it was a bad idea to do a story on your friends, but then again I suppose it would make them less interested if they weren’t looking through it to see how you would think they and their friends would act in a given situation. ((That's just my opinion; take it with a grain of salt)) Though, using your friends as characters will probably drag the story down in the long run. You can't have them develop in the story unless they change/develop as a person in real life and you'll probably be missing some character making and developing skills you would normally gain from an experience like this.
But then again, I suppose you don’t plan to go professional with this and have other works in progress…I take things too seriously…lol
My point? There is none, except you should make a story with original characters too, if you haven't already.
Oh and I don't suggest stealing ideas from Kingdom Hearts to spice up your story. It would be terribly cheesy, in my opinion. If it wasn't, Harry Potter might be running around with the one ring to rule them all...if there weren't copyright laws on that. XD XD But your choice, your choice, I would go with the majority's view...if they want a dancing bear...you better have a dancing bear. XD XD lol...dancing bear.
Other than that...your description needs a little work but everyone's does ((dear god, I know that's certainly true for myself)) and it comes with practice =3
Keep it up and keep writing. And remember constructive criticism is your friend too. =3 ((Really, it's better than blind praise))
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Post by Hombre Palido on May 2, 2007 19:00:21 GMT -5
I agree with my partner in crime right here....
Baseing them off of us is...rather..well....to put it bluntly, stupid and unrealistic. And making yourself the main character and giving this person all this kinda...drama...makes them and you seem selfish and kind of ego plastered. I'm just saying, no offense but you asked for it.
I mean you could ALSO come up with better names that FIT WITH THE PERSON!
Another thing I like to point out it how your dialog, battle scenes and descriptions leave me thinking of a fifth graders writing....with better(or so) grammar. They just don't have the oomph and stuff you need to think "Holy SHIZ he just got PWND!"....and whatnot....and because you base them off people...your probably going to get smacked because your writing about them from your persepective. I'd atleast get the voundations of their attitudes and personality....not just base it off of my knowledge....
All in all it's good...but my YoshiXShin fic PWNS yours even if it is a fanfic.....just kidding! X3 It's good just improved...improve or that dancing bear will come eat you like a honey tree!!! X3
EDIT # 2 -
Okay so I was reading..chapter two I believe? Something with snow..not very memerable but anyway....WHAT THE FUDGE?! Wait..it wasn't two? Well it had something to do with a monster and you going "arrgh!" or something...
That was the LAMEST battle scene I have ever read in my LIFE DDDDDDDDDDDDX WHERE do you come UP with this stuff?! Your a left brained person...DEFINETLY not a right.....
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Post by herm-own-ninny on May 3, 2007 21:14:44 GMT -5
Yeah, your story needs a little more... oomph, like katie said. It's all this happened, this happened, then this happened. Woot... Not so much.
I think you're going for an action-y suspence thing, but it's not quite comming through. I recommend reading some Anthony Horowitz books (Gatekeeper's series, alex rider series.) He is pretty much and expert at suspense. Read and try to emulate how he writes. He also has AMAZING action scenes.
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Post by songbreese on May 3, 2007 21:20:38 GMT -5
Tamora Pierce, she does full out WARS while still keeping the story on 1-4 characters, no, wait, she did 8 once....but it was really concentrating on 4...
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Post by Kayl on May 5, 2007 22:01:40 GMT -5
Yeah, this one sucked in my opinon. I didn't do what i wanted, so i'm starting over. Thanks for all the tips and stuff, i'll keep those in mind. Anyway, any other tips/critism would be great, besides more discription... I know, i realized that after the first few chapters.... It sucked. Anyway, i'm starting over, i think it will be better (hoping)
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Post by herm-own-ninny on May 6, 2007 15:59:32 GMT -5
very dialogue heavy. And sometimes you just repeat yourself.
Actions speak louder than words, you would do well to head these.
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Post by Hombre Palido on May 6, 2007 16:18:55 GMT -5
Yeah like Joanna said...look at other writers works...just DON'T COPY OR RIP THEM OFF! BE ORIGINAL!!!!
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Post by herm-own-ninny on May 6, 2007 16:46:35 GMT -5
yea, copying is bad. It could lead to copyright stuff.
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Post by Hombre Palido on May 6, 2007 17:48:05 GMT -5
And if you copied...it just shows lack of creativity! Like this boy band in China or something called 'Typhoon'. They riped off Gackt's song 'Vanilla' the beat and song..the EXACT SAME the lyrics?? Translated into Mandarin! And the video..well..more dancing and it looks very different..but the SONG and LYRICS are still the same...
Please don't do something so obvious like that...it actually made me laugh...
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Post by twilight_angel on May 13, 2007 20:24:45 GMT -5
Ok, if you start writing something...CAN YOU PLEASE CONTINUE IT?
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Post by herm-own-ninny on May 27, 2007 11:55:16 GMT -5
Yea, don't leave us hanging on what was going to happen next.
*suddenly remebers that she was supposed to be doing homework* **suddenly remebers that she hasn't finished reading the entire thing.**
I better go. *waves* bye!!1
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Post by timitimi on Jul 18, 2008 19:56:11 GMT -5
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Post by herm-own-ninny on Jul 18, 2008 20:09:39 GMT -5
...? anything in english
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